Call off the Hounds (Even of the "Hell" Variety)

I know. I know...

I can self-diagnose, too, and my last few posts have been pretty grim.

It's not my fault that I've been convinced, since I was 8 years old, that I've got a hellhound on my trail.

It is my fault, however, that I believed the problem would take care of itself.

In the back of my mind, I was convinced that I'd either find peace in my soul, a fallen angel looking to redeem himself with a timely hellhound kill, or a Rod of Lordly Might before the infernal beast finally caught up with me.

No dice.

Damn...


Faced with too much spare time and a crushing spiritual crisis, I did what people have been telling me to do for decades now: crack open their favorite Holy Book (be it The Bible, The Qu'ran, or Post Office by Bukowski) to find inspiration in the timeless words.

Now I'm only more confused.

When people claim that the Bible speaks to them, they must have asked their friends for recommendations, or else they are occasionally getting some really random answers to some really sketchy questions.

It did occur to me that, maybe they've got another book, like this one, to help them go through the Bible, which, at the risk of pointing out the obvious, is already a book...


I cut out the middle man and just opened the Bible itself, to some random page.

The first thing I got for my troubles?

Ecclesiastes 12, which warned me against reading too many books.

That was yesterday's selection, the one that stunned me, caused me to sweat cold bullets for an hour or two, and put the whole "self redemption" thing on hold for the better part of an afternoon.

Also, cautioning against books, in a book, is kind of a bait-and-switch message for a book, you have to admit.

I felt a bit betrayed.

As an aside, I wonder what the author of Ecclesiastes 12 would have had to say about this book?


Today, I tried again. With mixed results.

I'll say this much, as I flipped through the pages, I was pleased to confirm that the world does, indeed, get created twice in Genesis 1 and 2...


If this is news to you, I hate to leave you hanging, but Michaelangelo never specified which creation that was...

For what I remembered in the Old Testament, I had obviously forgotten about Genesis 9, 20:29, though.

That's the part when, after being cooped up in that ark for so long, Noah went out and invented wine.

Then he got drunk and passed out naked, after which he bitched out his sons for embarrassing him in public, cursing them into slavery in the process and justifying centuries of human ownership (and leading to some twisted footnotes from most scholars), all because he had a cheap wine hangover...


Based on what I've read, while he had some sketchy social policies, Noah partied, and he lived to be 950.

That really put yesterday's hangover into perspective.

The rest of the Old Testament had its ups and downs, from God-sponsored infanticide to pestilence to slavery, with the occasional inspirational psalm, followed, typically, by warnings of harsh vengeance to come.

I could see where they were going with it.

I skipped ahead to the New Testament.

As always, I really enjoyed Jesus' first miracle in John 2, turning the water into wine.


Now there's a book I wish I had as a kid, although I probably would have turned out exactly the same...

I couldn't help but notice, but it is odd that none of the other Gospels mention this story.

And for some reason, the more Fundamentalist-focused Christian sites seem to avoid discussing this passage altogether (while the Catholic sites, on the other hand, seem to love it).

Anyway, John seemed to have his own thing going on...

Personally, I like his style, although that may just be my affinity for random Greek references that most people don't get.

If I have offended you, I'll kindly refer you to Matthew 7.


Ahem.

Where were we?

I'm obviously still in a muddle--to keep things rolling, I could quote you the Qu'ran and really stir shit up.

Hell, Bukowski would be less controversial at this point...

At least, quoting Bukowski, I wouldn't keep looking over my shoulder for the Icy Hand of Death or a horizontal lightning bolt thrown by Archangel Michael in a drive-by bolting.

Of course, given Bukowski's past, he'll probably end up visiting me in a dream tonight and I'll end up getting subconsciouslly shitfaced and wake up drunk...


But I do have a point--I'm really trying to figure things out here.

I'm over educated on what is (and what isn't in the Bible), and I sit here in a country run by a guy who takes it literally, with growing masses of people who find "all the answers to life's questions somewhere in its pages."

Inevitably, somewhere in those sites, they're asking for money or a book subscription or something like that, which tends to dull the "these people really want to help me!" shine...

I'll keep on reading the Bible, and I'll keep doing some legwork here, trying to figure out where people are getting all that solace.

For the time being, though, I get the general message.

At the same time, I'm finding a book full of stories of humans being human, God fulfilling various promises to various people (occasionally to the severe disadvantage of Samaritans, Philistines, Romans et al.), and The Son of Man Himself, Jesus, whose advice seems to me to be deceptively simple.

Let me leave you with this tidbit for the day: if Jesus did have kids, I'm willing to bet He wouldn't have cursed them into slavery for embarrassing him, no matter how drunk he got at weddings...

Maybe he'd call off the hellhound, as well.

I think that's the point.